When experiencing certain behaviors and thoughts, like constantly seeking validation or thinking someone is mad at you when you know they’re not, do you ever wonder why? Is it a personality trait, a habit, or something else?
You’re not alone.
These patterns can come from different experiences, and they usually stick around for two main reasons: a “pleaser personality” and “harmony addiction.” Let’s take a closer look at what these are, how to tell if they show up in your life, and what you can do to make changes..
The People Pleaser
A pleaser personality, more commonly known as a people pleaser, is a persistent tendency. It involves feeling overly concerned with the happiness and approval of others. Most people with a pleaser personality use this tendency as a way of maintaining the relationships in their life.
As I mentioned earlier, a pleaser personality can develop for many reasons. Early-life relationships can be significant factors. Trauma, abandonment, and emotionally unavailable parents are major reasons why someone may become a people pleaser. You may have a pleaser personality if you disregard your own needs. You might say “I’m sorry” unnecessarily. You may rarely say “no” or make excuses for others.
If this sounds like you, don’t stress! There are ways to “un-learn” people pleasing tendencies, while still being available for others.
- Say no, without actually saying no. A great alternative could be “Let me get back to you”.
- Stop apologizing on the spot. When you find yourself wanting to apologize, it’s important to think about it first, take your time.
- Set boundaries with yourself! For example:
- I have a right to my own feelings.
- Other people don’t have to agree with me.
- It’s not my job to fix others.
- Practice daily self-affirmations. Remind yourself that you are beautiful, enough, and loved!
- Say “I don’t” instead of “I can’t”.
- I can’t talk right now -> I don’t want to talk right now.
- I can’t come today -> I don’t want to come today.
Recommended Reading: 10 ways to build and preserve better boundaries
The Peace Keeper
Much like a pleaser personality, someone with a harmony addiction feels deeply connected to the feelings of others, particularly feelings of anger or frustration. While a people pleaser might internalize someone else’s anger, someone with a harmony addiction will take that anger personally, even when it’s not directed at or about them. Harmony addiction can also cause someone to incorrectly interpret the feelings of others, assuming they are angry when they’re not. So instead of sympathizing with the anger or frustration, defensiveness and “over-soothing” takes place. A similar condition to harmony addiction is rejection sensitivity.
Recommended Reading: What is rejection sensitivity?
I believe that, like a pleaser personality, harmony addiction can develop for a wide variety of reasons. However the majority of research says it is a trauma response. This could stem from being over-exposed or traumatized at a young age by anger from parents or adults, and often triggers a fight or flight response.
You may experience harmony addiction if you feel scared whenever an “intense” discussion is initiated. It could also look like wanting to fix any situation where others are upset and expressing anger. If you feel triggered by the anger and frustration of others, even when you KNOW they are not angry or frustrated at you, it’s possible that you are experiencing harmony addiction.
Here are 3 useful strategies for becoming more comfortable with feelings associated with anger.
- Breathing exercises. Practice a breathing exercise, or other relaxation technique, that you can use to stay calm when someone around you is angry.
- Don’t assign blame. Avoid trying to “fix” the situation by assigning blame right away. If you find this particularly difficult, try keeping verbal responses to a minimum and instead offer non-verbal responses such as head-nods or leaning forward to show you are listening.
- Recognize anger as normal by practicing your angry faces and tone of voice in the mirror. You could also look at pictures of people who are expressing anger or even draw angry faces to get more comfortable.
The key to improving all mental health related experiences, including a pleaser personality and harmony addiction, is self-awareness, reflection, and initiating change. Take your time and have grace with yourself during this process, all of your feelings are valid.
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