Forgiveness is an intricate and valuable skill that is often learned through difficult experiences. And while forgiving others is a common theme in life, there isn’t a lot of talk about self forgiveness.
When doing some research on learning how to forgive myself, I immediately recognized a common theme. Everything I read focused solely on the benefits of forgiveness. Benefits like improved mental health, self-esteem, and healthier relationships were mentioned in almost everything I read.
And while learning about the benefits of forgiveness is super important, I really wanted, and needed, advice on HOW to forgive, not why.
Self Forgiveness Holy Grail
Before beginning the process of self forgiveness, there’s one thing I learned that I think is very important. That is, there is no timeline for forgiveness. It often occurs within a strict timeline for three reasons. It happens because it’s the “right thing to do.” It also happens to help others let go. Finally, it is done to fast-track the healing process.
If we can release the idea that forgiveness has an exact time or method, we can better recognize what we are forgiving. Which bring us to step one.
Step 1: Determine the specifics for what you are forgiving.
When thinking back on past mistakes, I often cringe and do my best to not think about it. So how do I successfully forgive a mistake that I don’t want to remember? I had to recognize what exactly I was forgiving.
Opening old wounds and thinking about the moments you wish you could forget, is no easy feat. So please, take your time. Think about why that moment continues to be painful and the thoughts and feelings you have connected it to. Whether you are forgiving an action, a thought, or a moment all together, reflect first on the specifics of what you are forgiving.
Recommended Reading: The 4 R’s of self-forgiveness
Step 2: Allow yourself to feel.
The self forgiveness process can be emotionally hard and is often triggering. That is why it’s important to let yourself feel the emotions that come with it.
Common emotions that come up for me when thinking about the things I want to forgive myself for are guilt. Anger also surfaces. I’m often tempted to ignore these feelings, but this tendency to suppress my emotions was exactly what was keeping me from actually forgiving myself. I had to let myself be angry. I also needed to feel disappointed in my actions before I was able to let go.
It will be challenging, and I highly recommend it.
Step 3: Let go.
For some situations, letting go was easy. For others (especially the things I held on to for years and years), even the idea of letting go was difficult. I had to remind myself, forgiveness has no timeline.
Please, please, take your time letting go of your past experiences that you’re forgiving. Many of these experiences, depending on when and what happened, can easily become a part of your identity. So detaching yourself from these moments can be extremely challenging, and may ultimately set you free.
As you work through these steps and begin to uncover the you that is no longer connected to your past, remember that there is no timeline. It’s not always easy to practice self forgiveness, and finding an approach that makes sense for YOU, is the key. If you have something you’d like to forgive yourself for, use these steps as a rough guide rather than a strict plan. You deserve to forgive yourself and to move on from those moments that no longer define you.
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